Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
