I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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