I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
