Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
