I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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