I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Randomize
