my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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