She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
