he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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