i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
