The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
