Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
