Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
