she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
