my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
