She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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