Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just found puke in my bra..
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
