at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
