fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
