Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
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