3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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