Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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