I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
