I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
