I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
