I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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