just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
two words...techno handjob
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize