Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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