im six kinds of drunk right now
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
