Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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