If that was your dad, he is hot
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
