I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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