also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
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I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
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Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Damn victory sex feels great
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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