I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
