How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
