Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
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Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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