And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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