Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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