which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
