Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
