He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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