my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
