Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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