I wish my penis had an off switch
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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