don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
