and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
