just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
