if i can run in heels then i can drive
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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