Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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