well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize