My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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