You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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