I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
