i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I need to align my fucking chakras
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
