Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
