How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
