What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
