i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
