Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
